There is a lot that goes into moving from one house to another, even more if its in another city and more still if its in another state. Thats what we’ve done. I left a job, friends, home I owned (co-owned) and a city I had gotten to know pretty well, and now find myself a stranger in a strange land. I suppose my family does, its not just me. We all are outsiders in this place, but my wife has it a bit easier as she has a job, the reason for the move, so she has colleagues that she can at least talk with. I don’t. My attempts to find employment have’t gone well.
I should clarify, the one job I applied to, I got a phone interview and then a face to face with four managers. The phone interview I thought I did really well in so I wasn’t surprised that I moved forward. The face to face, I was tired, nervous and unfocused and bombed pretty bad. The experience is quickly becoming one of those moments when you feel awkward or embarrassed flashes into your mind, as a mnemonic precursor to the actual real time event.
I keep looking back at it and thinking how could I have done that? How could I be so amateurish? What am I even doing in this career? Thats another aspect to this, do i even want to remain a designer. Employers are looking for people with a passion for their work. I can’t say for sure if thats me. Am I passionate about things? Yes. For sure. Are they design? In some aspects yes but mostly not. When I answer the question: If you could do anything what would it be? or Whats your dream job. All my answers are art related or encompass making some form of art, and design is surely a part of those endeavors, but do I want to wake up and make  pamphlets all day? Or kern text or make endless iterations of the same thing? No, certainly not. Then again all aspects of working even in a dream job, aren’t all perfect. Theres plenty of mundane rig-a-ma-roll that goes into dream jobs too.
Another culprit in the bad interview is a healthy dose of self sabotage. Thats right, I did it all to myself on purpose. Well, maybe…subconsciously. There could be self sabotage of having to perform again, make things beautiful. Doing that sometimes makes me feel like someones yelling “Dance Monkey! Dance!” There could be over zealous Mr. Mom going on. Wanting to stay home with your kids can be a very compelling. I really enjoy spending time with my kid and I’m really in no hurry to get back to work. I’ll only have so much time with him. I’m especially conscious of it given my medical history. I’m not exactly expecting to live till I’m 80.
What should I do. Is there a solution or compromise that I can find? Just to keep applying and trying to find the right job that would allow me to balance work, dreams and fatherhood. Does it actually exist? That waits to be seen.